So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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