I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
