how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't turn off my feet"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
