we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
