We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
