i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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