see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
