she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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