i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
