Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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