What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
