Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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