It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
