I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
