Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
