Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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