I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
