Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I can text with my tongue
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
