she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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