Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ladies don't puke and tell
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
