Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
