I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize