And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I love having hate sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
