i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
