When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
