im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Help. Why am I so naked?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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