im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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