two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
