dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
