If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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