clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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