There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
