Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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