On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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