you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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