Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize