We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
this hospital has no fireball
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
