I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
