You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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