Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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