Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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