I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have aggressive nipples.
How does one acquire holy water?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
