I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
