my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
