he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize