if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
