her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
