I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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