I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
