I have demons in me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
