So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
