I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
