so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
