she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
