I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
