Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
