Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize