1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
