If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
worst night to have a conscience
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
