matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
