My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
