dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
