Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize