I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
