Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
