omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
