Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
