I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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