i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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